Once again my mind has wandered to that dark place of what was, and what could have been. Full of doubt and questions of, “what if?”


In my moments of weakness I still find that sliver of evidence that places the blame on me for that piece of time. In full consciousness I can plainly see that the sins of others are in no way a crime of mine. Yet, I still cause myself agony over it all.


I had no way of knowing. We all say it won’t happen to me. We expect to be able to feel that freezing chill of evil inside of us when doom is leering near. How naïve must we be to accept this? How naïve am I? I let one persons imperfections and illness cause a battle inside of me. A blustery storm of self doubt.


I know that I can end the suffering… But with every day reminders of that ill fated moment, the taste of forgetting is a battle I have yet to win; An achievement I’ve yet to conquer.


I wish that I could be honest with all parties involved but I can’t allow myself to break down these walls. This fortress I’ve built around me is what has kept me from a complete break down. From letting myself admit that I too can be weak. That even a woman as strong as myself can wallow in tears because she feels true pain.


I take these moments in life to learn from myself and to mature into a greater being on this Earth. We all have such a brief span and I am forever grateful for each breath that I take. I know that I am not alone… but loneliness is something that I accept. Right now self reflection and soul searching are powerful motivators to keep me walking with my head held high.


All that I have seen, all that has been inflicted upon me and all that I have done… I know that I can survive the most awful of attacks and still prevail.

Some random thoughts...
It's been a weird few weeks.  Finally got something I wanted and I really hope I don't mess it up.  I hate keeping it so secret.  So I guess wish me luck.

The rain here has been epic.  There was thunder and lightening yesterday while I was at work.  The windows honestly looked like they were going to shatter.  I was scared.  I do NOT love thunder and lightening.  It creeps me out.  It sends chills down my spine in a BAD way.

I was at work when I got an "omg. omg. omg. omg" text from my girl Lanie.  This isn't exactly her style of a text message to send so... I am intrigued.  Well... aparently Jonny Craig is coming back to the area before Warped.  With Tides of Man.  Ummm... I DIED!  So I'm going to see him twice when he is here.  Just because I can.  LOL.  I also found out Sleeping With Sirens will be in town which makes me heart smile.

So I now have a decent amount of concerts planned, and I'm finally getting to see some bands I want to see.  Romance On A Rocket ship should be sick.  And Eyes Set To Kill once again.  Badass.

I gotta stay focused on the music to get me through this mess of rain!

Time to say goodbye...

There is always that defining moment in any relationship when you realize it's just time to walk away.  Whether it be a significant other, a friend or even a family member.  There is that straw that breaks the camel's back and you just get it.  You finally understand that you have been wasting time and emotion on something that isn't worth it anymore.  It may have been amazing.  It may have been beautiful.  It may have seemed perfect and everything that you ever wanted but there comes a point where you have to put yourself first.  As selfish as that may be.

I just had that moment.  Running into ex's is never fun.  Ever.  They are ex's for a reason.  Nothing against the people I have dated, but it just didn't work out.  Sadly... there is that one person I can't let go of.  And I think I finally have.  It took running into them to really realize that I am better than all the bullshit that comes with caring about that person.  We drank, we danced, we talked until last call... and he walked out on me.  So I left... we walked a mile home screaming and yelling "I love you" "I hate you" "This is crazy", etc....  As much as this person will have a place in my heart forever, I can't do it anymore.

No one should cause you pain.  No one should make you cry.  There should be an understanding that they have your heart and that's it.  There are too many complications in relationships these days.  If I'm with someone, that's it.  I give myself unconditionally, but they have to respect me. 

I've given myself time to think and I can't put myself in that position again.  I deserve much better than what I have been allowing myself.  I deserse someone that will understand me, and ever aspect that makes up my personality.  Perhaps I am a little silly sometimes, but I also have a true heart and intelligent mind, and I will always take care of the one that I love.

Maybe on day I will find that.  Until then, I will focus on me and all of the dreams and desires I want to achieve in this life.  We only live once and I refuse to fail.

Yesterday was a pretty great day.  We had Jason Castro in the studio to perform and hang with some winners for Girl's Night In!  He is such a sweetheart.  And he took requests and did his cover of "Hallelujah."  I love that song.  It gave me chills.  After an amazing time with him, and the ladies who won and my awesome co-workers I went home and enjoyed my apartment to myself.  I texted someone until after 1am this morning... and to say that I am a happy girl would be a pretty big understatement.  I have nothing profound to say.  Nothing except I hope everyone has a wonderful day today, because we all deserve a day that has us falling asleep with a smile on our face.

And I get to see AFI tonight.  I've got no reason to complain.  None at all.  The world can bring it on today.  :)

Keeping Secrets
I'm the type of friend who is great at keeping secrets.  I am trustworthy and very faithful to the few that I call my friends.  I've been backstabbed enough times to know that secrecy and trust is a must in any type of relationship.  However... when it comes to my personal life, I like to keep some things about me private.  Even from those who are as close to as possible.  It's one of the most difficult things in the world to keep these thoughts and events to myself.  But sometimes I fear that even the ones I love will judge me.  Jugde my actions.

Right now I am in that situation.  And it hurts me to the core to know that the loves of my life are being left out of it.  It's not even a huge secret.  I just want my own time to see what happens.  I want my own thoughts to be the reason behind my own actions.  I don't want others input and judgement to cause me to make a rash decision, and perhaps really fuck up something.

So far, so good.  I'm making the choices I want to.  And when I see the one I'm worried the most about it kills me that I'm being so private.  But I want something for me.  And I'm going to do it.

Pretty random little thought today I guess...

Waiting for summer...

All of the rain is seriously starting to get to me... Which is not a good sign.  Here I am wanting to move to Portland for work, and I can't handle a little rain in my home town... wow...

Still... the countdown is ON for summer.  This past year I can't even count how many concerts I went to.  A few Warped Tour dates to see Breathe Carolina, TV/TV, Escape The Fate, Thrice, 3OH!3, In This Moment, VersaEmerge, and SO many more.  Saw Watchout! Theres Ghosts like once a month.  Saw Emarosa a few times and had the time of my life.  I cannot tell you how thrilled I am when I am smashed up against a whole bunch of people I don't know SCREAMING the lyrics of the songs off of Relativity.  It's my happy place.  :)  Got to see Taking Back Sunday, Chester French, Weezer, Blink 182... I mean really... who does ALL of this in one summer??  I See Stars, Dance Gavin Dance, Tides of Man, Of Machines, Of Mice & Men, Artist vs. Poet, Music For Animals... The list goes on and on.  All of those were in the SUMMER!

The past year has been full of the most amazing experienced of my whole life.  I'm ready to make this one EVEN BETTER!  We're attemping to hit 7 of the Warped Tour dates... Mostly because Emarosa is on the bill this year.  But so is Breathe Carolina, Pierce The Veil, Breathe Electric, CLOSURE IN MOSCOW (!!!!!  What?????  yes!), Eyes Set To Kill, Sparks The Rescue (Heart Radio!), The Cab and so many more.  I'm ready for tank tops and flip flops and ice cold beer and my best friend at my side.

So rain, rain, go away...

(no subject)
I wish I never met you. I wish I were some where else that night. If I had, I would never know this feeling. I’m so tired of people who think it’s ok to play games. I’m tired of people taking advantage of good people. For almost a year now I have thought about you, never thinking that anything could ever happen between us. You are who you are and I am who I am. I was ok with this. Of course I had high hopes but I’m not a fool. I understand reality. But as the year progressed, and our meetings multiplied, something changed. You spoke of similar feelings. You smiled. You looked into my eyes. You kissed me on my cheek as I left you… My breath was shallow and my heartbeat was fast… And now I realize it wasn’t real. So sad for me… But even sadder for you… Because at the end of the day a friendship with you would have been perfect… I’ve wasted too much of my time on people who don’t recognize that I am awesome. I am amazing. I am the best person to have in your corner, in your heart and on your mind. This isn’t goodbye… Because I know I’ll still see you… but if you actually take the time to read this… I’ve got you figured out. Just another pathetic person that I have mistaken for a genuine human being that has played me as the fool. Maybe one day I will learn…Until then… I’ll just head towards the light… The dark… Has no place here… <3

I think about you a lot. 
I wonder what you are doing, how you are feeling and what you are thinking about. 
I wonder if at any moment your thoughts turn to me. 
Something about you reached inside of my soul and latched on with full force. 
I can't shake you even if I tried. 
Even if I wanted to you still linger in my subconscious and visit me in my dreams.
  You made things seem so easy. 
You put on a front like this was something that was allowed. 
I'm confused by your motives.
  I'm hurt if your intentions were malicious. 
Because that is how this is all feeling to me. 
And I pegged you as above the drama and bullshit.
  I guess I was fooled in  a major way. 
A word to the wise, don't pull this shit with someone else. 
  I am strong enough to take it. 
Your usual fanbase probably couldn't. 
I'm just not your usual girl. 
Because I am awesome. 
And do remember, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." 
I guess this is a simple goodbye. 

Do you think society puts too much pressure on people to be in relationships and/or have children? Do you think this ostracizes people who would be perfectly content to remain single and/or child-free? Is this pressure worse around the holidays?

Let me tell you something... I think that relationships are great... for other people.  I think kids are awesome... as long as they belong to someone else.  I've been in one super serious relationship in my life, and it lasted for 5 years.  We disagreed on everything.  He wanted a big wedding, I am more private when it comes to those types of things and I wanted a very small wedding.  He wanted a baseball team for children and I never wanted any.

I do believe there is a huge expectation for everyone to get married and have children and this really bothers me.  Especially since I am a young, well educated woman.  Men have the pressure of continuing the legacy of their last name.  (Something I have never understood nor have given a hoot about but for some reason it is important to men.) 

I have goals in my life.  I have a career I want to follow to the fullest extent of my abilities.  Which means ALL THE WAY.  I am going to rule the world.  (I know, typical I am woman hear me roar bullshit but I can own this industry if I wanted to...)  When ever I express to people that I never want children people are shocked.  The usual response is, "Oh, you're young... you'll change your mind..."  I am 24.  I have lived a very full life.  I have seen a lot of bad shit in life.  I have 2 college degrees.  I would much rather work insane hours and go to a concert on my free time than to ever have my own child.  I do not have that desire.  And yet people I don't know are SO sure that I will change my mind.  It's silly.

Quite frankly there are SO many beautiful children in the country that need a home... and if we are able to afford to have our own child that we should take a step back and wonder if maybe adoption would be a smarter move.  I'm not talking getting a child from Africa because that's what all the celebrities do.  (Even though celebrities actually have the money to go through the ridiculous process that is getting a child from the US!) 

I've known since I was a kid that I never wanted kids.  I have always said that if money wasn't an issues I would take children in as foster kids, etc, and help them out.  I just don't need a kid that is mine.  Some people view their children as possessions and pawns and I don't respect that.

Writer's Block: Baby, you can drive my car
Do you have a "dream car"? If you had money to spare, would you buy a new car? If so, would you be more likely to get an eco-friendly vehicle, a vintage model, or a luxury sportscar?

Growing up we all dream about that ONE car we wanted... usually it was silly.  I, of course, wanted a Mercedes M Class because Justin Timberlake had one.  I was ridiculous.  And then I wanted a Scooby Doo Mystery Machine.  Mostly because I LOVE Scooby Doo and I would be the coolest kid in high school if I had the Mystery Machine.  I mean really?  Who WOULDN'T want to be friends with the chick with the Mystery Machine???

However... now that I am an adult and I work my ass off to make money and put gas in my car I would really like a hybrid car of some sort.  I do a lot of traveling and I would much prefer to have a car that was good on gas mileage as well as good to the environment.

However... if I come across the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine... I can't say I wouldn't get it.  :)


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