Once again my mind has wandered to that dark place of what was, and what could have been. Full of doubt and questions of, “what if?”
In my moments of weakness I still find that sliver of evidence that places the blame on me for that piece of time. In full consciousness I can plainly see that the sins of others are in no way a crime of mine. Yet, I still cause myself agony over it all.
I had no way of knowing. We all say it won’t happen to me. We expect to be able to feel that freezing chill of evil inside of us when doom is leering near. How naïve must we be to accept this? How naïve am I? I let one persons imperfections and illness cause a battle inside of me. A blustery storm of self doubt.
I know that I can end the suffering… But with every day reminders of that ill fated moment, the taste of forgetting is a battle I have yet to win; An achievement I’ve yet to conquer.
I wish that I could be honest with all parties involved but I can’t allow myself to break down these walls. This fortress I’ve built around me is what has kept me from a complete break down. From letting myself admit that I too can be weak. That even a woman as strong as myself can wallow in tears because she feels true pain.
I take these moments in life to learn from myself and to mature into a greater being on this Earth. We all have such a brief span and I am forever grateful for each breath that I take. I know that I am not alone… but loneliness is something that I accept. Right now self reflection and soul searching are powerful motivators to keep me walking with my head held high.
All that I have seen, all that has been inflicted upon me and all that I have done… I know that I can survive the most awful of attacks and still prevail.