It is time that I put my foot down. I do not need you, or anyone else to judge me. I have, and always will be, a free spirit. Perhaps my so-called “wild ways” are too much for you to handle, but that really isn’t a problem of mine. I don’t need your actions or words to validate my beauty. I am a strong, intelligent woman who seeks out what she wants, when she wants it. Some people feel like they have a right to throw their two cents in, and I really am baffled by it. Why do the actions I take influence you? Why do the people I surround myself with and the events I attend get such a rise out of you? Honestly. I would really like an explanation. Your approval is not needed in reference to my happiness. Your harsh words towards the loves of my life- being my friends and music- are just wasted breath. At this point in my life I have learned not to let naysayer’s bring me down. There was a time in my life when I needed guidance. There was a time in my life when I needed to hear that I was beautiful, and even then I wasn’t so sure of it. These days I look directly in the mirror and love the woman I have become. Things that I used to see as my flaws are now seen as little quirks that make me who I am. I walk with my head held high and smile at strangers as I pass by. I’ve searched through my soul and found that I am more amazing than I ever gave myself credit for. I will not apologize for believing in myself. Knowing that oneself is beautiful is not a shallow quality. It is evidence of comfort and self-esteem. Sadly, you see it as being self-righteous. I know that I cannot change people’s minds. I don’t ever expect to. I would like to let everyone know that I am finally happy. I am proud of myself. I’ve gotten this far, and I know that with my strong will and determination I can go anywhere I want to in this life. And that is exactly what I plan on doing. I can survive anything this world throws my way. So sit in your peanut gallery and write your critiques and reviews of my life as if it is some melodramatic film. I’m beyond the petty nature of it all. I’m just waking up every morning and focusing on me. Focusing on my future and how I can make myself a better person. I hope one day you can wake up and be as thrilled and content as I am, and make the decision to make your world a better place instead of residing in mine. A bit of advice? Take a long hard look at yourself. If you like what you see, then continue on your path. If you don’t? Be brave enough to change.

Movin' Up

When night falls and I lay in bed alone, I stare up at the ceiling in the pitch black. In the darkness I realize how insignificant and small I really am. How trivial my problems are in the grand scheme of things. How for every tragedy (real or imagined) I have thousands of bright lights on my record. Beautiful and romantic and hilarious instances over the course of almost 25 years that have truly caused me to smile.


Sometimes I forget that when you’re down, there is no where else to go but up. And that is where I want to be. It is also where I deserve to be.


I’m such a blessed girl. I have the most beautiful friends, who in a second are by my side at times of doubt and failure. They have taught me it’s ok to fail, as long as I tried to succeed. They are there for the highs as well as the lows, and they support me when my insanity takes over. We all want to be happy, and they respect the path I have taken to get there.

My family may not always understand me, but they support the life and career choices I have made for myself. They may not get the loud music and the tattoos but they still love me.

I’ve lived out one of the most amazing years of my life. I may have had bad days, but I have no complaints.

Because it seems every time I think I can complain… Something (or perhaps someone….) awesome and amazing comes into my life. They can cause you to take risks you wouldn’t normally. It can make you re-examine what you want. A curve ball if you will.

My actions are based on instinct. They are often made without rational thought. But in such a big world… and being one tiny part of it… who wants to waste time over-analyzing every little decision I make? What is happening in my life now is exciting… And I’m willing to take the chance.

Ultimate Betrayal

My whole world came crashing down when I realized what you had done. To realize that the beauty that you possessed in my eyes was just a façade for evil. Tears welled in my eyes and my body bent over in the pain that the disease that is you has caused. You course through my veins. First just a gut feeling and then up and causing pain in my heart and confusion in my head. How could you be so blatant of a liar? How could you be such a sneak of a cheat? Not that you were only mine… But a drop of honesty would have saved us from a lot of the emotions we will both be feeling. You, soon enough. When the secret is let you. Because you WILL get caught out there. And I hope it brings the walls of your arrogance tumbling down. I hope the sight of me breaking down in front of you causes you to cry. I want you to feel just one ounce of the pain that I am living in. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would live through something like this. A surly not from someone who I trusted as my friend, first and foremost. But here I am. Such a naïve fool to believe in any of the bullshit nice guy propaganda you spewed at me. You are nothing to me. In fact you were lucky to have me. And after all of this I hope to never see your face or hear your name. You will become invisible to me. This was the ultimate betrayal.


I’m often asked why I am always around musicians, so I am going to take some time to explain.

Music is something that I couldn’t imagine my life with out. It’s a way of life. It’s a release for emotion. An escape from passion and pain. Not everyone understands that the way that I do. So being around the type of people who feel the same way is comforting. I don’t have the same musical interests as all of them, but I respect all genres of music.


Being at a live show is the closest thing to feeling at home that I can get. Dancing in a crowd with other people who appreciate the music as much as I do is pretty damn close to perfection. Those times where the sounds are beating out of the speakers and the lyrics fall from my mouth with ease are the moments that my heart is truly beating.


Through music anything is possible. You can feel anything you want to. When you write a song you have the power to give something to another person. You can say things you can’t in a conversation. You can be true and honest without putting a name or situation to it. You can admit your dying devotion to someone or something. You can put out the contempt you feel for the fake people that you’re surrounded by.

I guess in a world that is as insane as this one, it’s just nice to be in the presence of other human beings that are just trying to spread the word of the beauty of music. There is so much that I could say on this topic but the meaning behind it would probably be lost on most.

I’ve been lucky to have met some of the greatest musicians out there. And you may not know their name. Or their music. But I do. And you really should. I’m blessed to call some of them my friends.

I’ve been judged a lot for being a part of this so called “scene.” I could honestly care less what people think about the way I live my life. The shows that I have been to have been the best days of my life. I’ve fallen in love and had my heart broken at them. I’ve met some of the best friends I’ve got this past year. I’m doing exactly what makes me happy.

Music saves lives. I know this. Love and respect it. I do with every ounce of my heart.

So why do I hang out with musicians? Because they are some of the most real and down to Earth people I have ever met. Who wouldn’t want to surround themselves with honest people?


For some reason I can’t seem to get a good night’s rest these days. I try as best as I can but something keeps me tossing and turning and waking up in panic and fear. In nightmares I am losing the people I love most in this world. I’ve watched the girls I would die for get murdered and beaten in the worst ways. I’ve felt feelings of the worst sorrow. I’ve broken hearts. I’ve betrayed trusts. I’ve done everything I said that I wouldn’t ever do. The worst is when He comes back to haunt me. I just can’t take it anymore. Jumping up from a horrible scene with no air left in my lungs, tears down my face and a cold sweat on my body has become all too familiar of a feeling. I just want a night of sleep where I can rest. So I can function at full form in my hectic yet amazing life. But I can’t. These visions torture me. Seeing Him was the worst. In the dream world it’s so real. I still hear His voice like it was just yesterday. I feel His arms around me like it was happening in that very moment. I can see the blood shed of my loved ones in bright red. I can see the fear in her eyes as she has a gun between her beautiful eyes. I can see the pain in their face as they look at me for the last time.
My subconscious mind is playing games with me.
If it wins it will consume me.
Destruction is near.


In my mind...
Who is going to tell me to stop when the time comes? Who is going to rip away what I want and replace it with what a need? A little bit or normalcy… A little bit of sleep… And in my dreams a little bit of you. There are so many things that come close to leaving my lips when I am with you. When your lips touch mine, or you touch my hand… I’m ready to admit what I fear the most. I see something in you that I don’t see in many. A chance. A chance to change the chaos around to me to something a little more domestic. Somewhere to hang my hat at the end of a long day. A shoulder to rest my head upon in front of the world with no shame. Yet I say nothing. In fear. Because in the back of my head I know no one would ever care about me the way that I care about you. You mean more to me than you could ever know. More than I will ever tell you. Because you’ve already distanced yourself from me, for reasons unknown. So I will play this game of secrecy and live my daily life as a fraud. Because I’d be lying to myself if I said that you… weren't exactly what I want.

A boy in glasses...

I wish that I could explain what it is about a boy in glasses that just melts me.  I can find a boy attractive all I want but the minute he puts on glasses I'm head over heels!  This has been an obsession (a mild one) of mine for years!  I'm just really curious as to where it came from... It's not like I was in love with Clark Kent when I was a kid.  I liked guys in bands.  (That hasn't changed.)  Just a random thought for the day...

(no subject)
My heart is in my throat anytime you are near. Words become stifled and my breathing is shallow. Forcing myself to focus on each inhale and exhale as if my life depended on it. The way your eyes fall on me makes me weak. The way you grab me to kiss me causes me to forget everything else in the world. The way you stop… pull away… and look me in the eyes… just to draw me in again… it’s a dream. The words you say catch me by surprise. My body chills over the instant that your fingers touch my skin. Those brief moments that you are mine are blissful. Sinful. Painful. The passion that arises when we are alone… the intensity in your desire for me… The emotion in the way your hands trace my body… Causes a rising in thoughts and confusion in my head. You and I could make a good team. But we are both selfish and want what is right for ourselves. When in reality we both have no idea what is true. What is correct. We’ve played a silly game with all of this. Hiding it from the world. I can’t do it anymore. I cannot continue playing games with myself. I put myself into relationships that are destructive and dangerous. With everything else crumbling around me I need something more stable. Apparently you are not that. You are amazing. You are beautiful. I would continue to kiss you forever… But that is not an option for me right now. Once again I am preparing myself to walk away from a good thing because I am putting other people and their priorities before my own. I’m sorry.

I am the girl...

Let me tell you what kind of girl I am. I am that girl who is hesitant to give her heart to anyone. I am that girl that hides and masks her feeling because I always fear (and usually know) it will all crumble in the end. Now, I am not trying to be negative about it, but lets be real. I am 24. Am I trying to fall in love right now? Not really.

I am that girl who throws herself into silly situations.

I am the girl that is not afraid to laugh at herself.

I am the girl who has an immense amount of pride in herself for where she is in life.

I am the girl who is known for making an ass out of herself.

I am the girl who, when she meets someone, gives her whole self to that person.

I am the girl who would rather someone else have happiness over her.

I am the girl who you can call at any hour of the night and I will listen.

I am the girl who you can trust.

I am the girl who some choose to hate.

I am the girl who doesn’t care about the people who don’t understand her.

I am the girl who has a song, or lyric, for every situation in life.

And with the past week I have really realized what kind of girl I am. I am a great person to have by your side… I am the girl that would literally give up every single thing for someone who I give my heart to. I am am that girl that would hop on a plane and cross this state, country, even the world… for just that chance to have that kiss with that one person. That one person I can’t shake. That person I haven’t been able to get out of my mind…

I give my heart and I give it whole.

Driving In The Rain
Let's make one thing very clear: I HATE driving in the rain.  It's pretty simple.  I hate it.  I will avoid it at all costs.  There are two reasons for this, which I will discuss below.

First, we've all witnessed this first hand, the moron who feels it necessary to drive 10 mph no matter what the speed limit actually is.  WHY???????  Oh GOD why?????????  I'm all for driving safe in the rain.  That is a smart idea.  Ease yourself to a little bit under the speed limit and proceed with caution.  There is NO reason for you to drive SO slow, and break every six and a half seconds.  Or to come to an almost FULL STOP at an intersection where you have a solid GREEN light.  Now I am not sure how it is in other states, but here in California, the minute it even starts to sprinkle drivers instantly turn into 90 year old women who sit on phone books because they can't see over the steering wheel drivers.  Yeah, you know the type...

On to my second reason for hating diving in the rain...  As much as slow drivers drive me bonkers... there is one thing that pisses me off more... That one guy that drives a nice souped up sports car that still thinks it's June and 90 degrees and sunny out so he drives like a damn NASCAR racer.  Really, dude?  This has been happening to me on my way to work in the morning, and I'm pretty sure it's the same DBAG.  I drive to work right after 5 o'clock in the morning.  5AM.  It is DARK.  Not only is it dark it is POURING BUCKETS OF WATER.  Back off my ass.  The road is windy and the speed limit is 55, I still drive 45-50, but I have been driving that road my whole driving career atleast twice a day!  So it's not like I'm being one of those 10 mph drivers I mentioned before.  I am being a cautious, safe and mature driver.

I just wish people knew how to drive in the rain.  It's not rocket science.  It's driving.  Learn how to do it or get your ass to the bus stop and let the professionals drive you around because YOU ARE A MORON.


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